22 Apr (44)

SandThrower.jpg

08:36 Scribe: I don't usually like to post photos of me ( I mostly prefer Nature's many aspects to tell my inner mood ] but this one fits for what I want to reflect on today: Scribe the loner. Scribe about to throw some sand. To put some context to "throwing sand" : my mentor used to say, about to go into a meeting with colleagues that she had to play nice with in the sandbox... and then, she'd come back from the meeting and say "I had to throw some sand." Added reveal: these problematic colleagues we had a harmless(?) running joke about them: they were squirrels. Squirrels running here and there...

v- trying to find their nuts

Scribe: they couldn't remember where they put them [ matter-of-fact innocent tone ]

v- absent-minded professors?

Scribe: [ soft chuckle ] partly. Every single frickin' time I see a squirrel in a film or tv show I laugh - either outright or an inner chuckle.

08:39

[re-reading what I typed - corrected a typo ]

08:41

08:43 Scribe: My main thought that I want to get out is this...

v- you think too much

Scribe: sometimes to a fault, I know

Scribe: If you were a character in a book or movie, how would you want to be portrayed? The reason I am thinking about this is my difficulty reconciling what I *may* know [ about the InnerNet and a (good) possible future ] and the behavior of some of the people I've told since that reveal moment. You...

V- Trickster

Scribe: asked me how I wanted someone to be portrayed. It still stands: a good person with flaws. All the people I've told are good people, but like all of us, with dark sides.

08:45

08:46 Scribe: Like you said, I think too much. I extend myself too much...

v- too empathetic at times

Scribe: I see too many possibilities - that 360 degree observation of an individual and situation - whatever context an event occurred in. I TRY to understand another's perspective. I TRY to explain away behaviors based on a truth that has not been revealed to me [ what are they dealing with that they are not admitting to? ] ... I reflect on my behavior towards them, I peel back the layers to see how I am presented to them ... my interactions to them...

v- sometimes you can't find any fault..

Scribe: I take a further step back and I look at the individual in question and the interaction with me and I see us from the perspective of a third party...

v- and it's even worse

Scribe: most people may find the situation ludicrous... for lack of a better word. Most people would have acted like I did (?)

v- yes, very much so

Scribe: so, Scribe the loner, Scribe the woman who is TRYING to be understanding and considerate... says nothing. Acts polite...

v- and kind

08:50 Scribe: So, if someone you know tells you you have a telepathic connection, be that character in the book or movie... what would YOU do when faced with that person? How would you treat them? Would your relationship change? When that person in your life can't definitively prove whether it's telepathy or not? What do YOU do?

08:52 Scribe: my perspective is different now since I am that telepathic "victim" [ not knowing, can't prove, but suspects that there is a connection ] .

Word one: I would reach out.

I would ask questions.

I would try to see things from that person's point of view.

I would do my homework.

08:53 Scribe: However, like the people I've told, I also have a life that I have to focus on. I can't dedicate too much time to something like that

v- [...too much time to...] nonsense... trust me, this is brutal all around

Scribe: I understand... but at the same time I do not. It has made me re-evaluate my relationships and TRY to be a better person in that relationship

v- and when that fails...

Scribe: yeah, I sometimes am faced with the short end of that stick... I give...,.

v- and don't receive

Scribe: it doesn't mean I stop trying, but it is disheartening to be faced with...

v- the elephant in the room

08:55

08:56 Scribe: and not only the elephanit in the room - but outright nastiness (unrelated to the elephant) .. when despite what you've told them

v- they treat you like shit

08:56

Scribe: and I stay quiet. am polite. take the hits. try to be understanding. try to put the mirror up more to see what part of their behavior/treatment is my fault...

v- I know... there comes a point where you have to stop that

Scribe: like I said this morning, there comes a point where I don't reach out any more - for now... and I focus on what's important (if they don't reach out, I know where I stand in that relationship) and I move forward and other relationships will "dawn" so to speak, and I take it from there. Focus my attention elsewhere if my "relationship work" isn't going anywhere

v- and is thrown in your face

08:59

[ cleaning up after dog - seriously, it's constant no matter how much I try to attend to Maya ]

09:02 Scribe: so, I am trying to be good... but at certain points, I fight back in my own way

v- kill them with kindness

Scribe: [ shakes her head ] call it passive aggressiveness... I am good, but while I'm good, I'm also being bad ... I am being polite, but making a point at the same time

v- with this individual

Scribe: yes... and it's one of the guardians of my InnerNet story ... This action of mine is after a series of...

v- viciousness ... vicous attacks

Scribe: not truly ... but cutting remarks that could have been kept silent/to themself

09:06 V- agreed. wow. WTF is wrong with this person?! seriously.

09:06 Scribe: again, I'm doing my good. leaving it be. redirecting my focus. bare minimum on this relationship now... for now. I hear you, Trickster... just let this individual cool down... [ reacting to whatever wrong I did - still not sure what it was that would elicit such a venomous response... ] it's already been a while now, but, I will. In the meantime, I make no effort to go above and beyond. Truly, bare minimum.

v- which is above this individual's actions [ to keep up a good relationship ]

09:08 Scribe: I am at peace after reflecting. Does it bother me? this treatment? yes, of course given the relationship we should have. However, I've said my piece. Ball's in all of my guardians' court...

v- and you're alone

Scribe: it's better in some ways

v- worse in others

Scribe: again, it's good that I see people's true colors now... it helps me adjust... whatever that may mean: just in my "normal" life or/and knowing what I will focus on in the future...

v- a possible good future ... with [ what ] the InnerNet [ means / how important it really is ]

09:11

09:13 Scribe: the [type of] people I want in my life

v- to surround you... do you think it would be different

Scribe: IDK... you know my thoughts already on the superficialness of...

v- show and tell

Scribe: just as a reference: what people post to LifeSnippet [ and I haven't been a regular poster in a very long while for this very reason, even before the InnerNet journey started ] - what point of view they give people of their life and people they are with

v- may not be the true picture

Scribe: If the truth comes out [ about the InnerNet / telepathy ]

v- when it does

Scribe: I hope people will re-evaluate their relationships with people

v- for the good

Scribe: consider carefully what a good relationship really is - not just posting photos of who you are with... but truly keeping up a good relationship with whoever you feel is important enough to pose with.

v- very well put

Scribe: I'm talking about people in my life [ to be clear: not any of the InnerNet team members ] ... as I said in a mindchat: I will recognize the InnerNet team member(s) for those people who were THE ONLY people who supported me as I thought was most important through all of this... through all my [inner] tantrums [ teary smile ] QUIT MAKING ME CRY. ... and all the blows by people who should be ...

v- more caring ... I know

Scribe: I don't want to throw blame. I know I have my part to do... but for now

v- survival mode

Scribe: I have to be a normal functioning adult

v- be a mother... which you have always been

Scribe: and fit in all those neat societal categories ... because the world...

v- is a doggy dog world.. I know. I hear it ALL THE TIME [ from you ]

Scribe: one last note: the people I have told can't truly be too concerned about me because I am "holding my own"

v- being independent

Scribe: paying my bills on time, cleaning the house, taking good care of an elderly dog and two children, my appearance isn't haggard/unkempt ...l truly, no real glaring signs that anything is really "wrong" with me... BIG RED FLAG, PEOPLE! what's wrong with this picture?

v- people should give a damn, C

Scribe: I'm at peace. They know. When the shit hits the fan I hope the stories they've told other people about me...

v- OMG...

Scribe: they should have done their homework

v- yup. I'm happy for you.

Scribe: if they had given a damn, they would have listened. they would have checked up on what I told them. they would have kept on checking... and they would have seen just what I have seen for nearly 4 years. They would have asked those questions (that I requested they ask) that would have guided a continued discussion. [This discussion is dead in the water - talks never happen because no one asks questions. There is too much to tell, so I've asked people to ask the questions that come to mind - the ones they want or need to ask ]

v- and you caught on pretty quickly [ long ago in this trajectory ]

Scribe: when I told them someone may be listening in [ possibly seeing ] ... if they TRULY BELIEVED ME

v- they would have acted a lot differently

Scribe: if my story

v- holds water

Scribe: My Cousin Vinny... really?

09:24 Scribe: they better be prepared to face the world with their side of the story...

v- and it ain't pretty

09:25 Scribe: right now? How I see it? no, it ain't

09:25 [ mumbles ] Scribe: some people need an attitudinal adjustment

v- Major Payne?

09:26 Scribe: [ glancing at childhood photo ] So, here I am, that little girl grasping at the sand...

v- about ready to hurl it

Scribe: let's just call it the future's wayward ball that may hit those who SHOULD have seen it coming?

v- and didn't

09:27

----- [ about to reheat coffee, mindchatting - quietly chuckling ]

Scri... [ dog care ]

09:45

[ taking care of dog, mindchatting ]

09:51

Scribe: thank goodness for all my filters. via InstaFeed you get a sense of what's going on on the inside, but even then, there are filters.

I (mostly) never reveal the real-life people who I talk about.

I talk in generic terms about them.

I try to give as many sides to the (possible) story / situation as possible. [ I recognize I may be in the wrong, but also recognize the need to vent and try to whittle way a solution / to cyphon off emotions and to be able to make better decisions and react "better"]

[ INSERT VIDEOCLIP about the importance of filters ]

discerning which ones to use and when [ is important ]

09:53 V- thank goodness for those filters

09:56 Scribe: you can't keep that shit bottled up inside

v- hell, no!

Scribe: no matter if I'm in the wrong, I still have to vent it off in some way ... which I am always apologizing for. If I had a choice, the InnerNet team member(s) would be blocked when I have these venting episodes... I can never shut a door. I can never go off on my own... you're always here with me experiencing these "flare ups"

09:58 Scribe: however, this is how I handle my "issues" (by reflection, by journaling) ... I try to minimize the lasting damage... apologies, again, for the collateral damage [that I never want, but know is an inevitable condition with telepathic connections ]

------- [ folding clothes ]

Scribe: [ chuckling ] I hope that if it ever gets out that [ some aspect of ] the people in my life were templates for tv/movie characters, they will be able to laugh like I do when I recognize a part of myself in characters

v- a humorous part

Scribe: [ helping daughter start a dark load ]

10:18

10:20 Scribe: oh, Randy ... my inner Randy

V- from Love [ tv series ]

Scribe: oh, let's see what I remember: how he mumbles how he's going to kill someone in his sleep

v- THAT is wrong

Scribe: I may say humorously nasty stuff

v- your dark side comes out

Scribe: it's HUMOR

v- dark humor

Scribe: then, there's the mooching... I see how dependent I was for a long while during the transition

v- with your husband

Scribe: I did my share. The intangibles are as important as the financially bankable ones.

v- agreed. moving on to the next point.

Scribe: However, yes, I received financial support through all of this - transition from the job I left

v- which he supported

Scribe: yes, but then there was THIS... which took up an enormous amount of my time. it was important to me. How important it is for the good is yet to be determined. Scribe: so, yes, my inner Randy found it humorous when he had to borrow money from his girlfriend... what else? I was always joking about when I moved out I'd "live in a shack down by the river"

v- Chris Farley style

Scribe: yes. another Wisconsinite who I find has some classic lines... I was always joking how I could always live out of my car [ unrealistic with two children and a dog... but humor is necessary in cases like mine ]

v- yes, it is

10:26

Scribe: ...

v- how are you coming up with all of this content?

Scribe: it will come out at some point: what people think: so she keeps writing this part in the dialogue that she ascribes to "V" ... I can put myself in someone else's shoes

v- an observer

Scribe: is she just coming up something on the fly, is she really hearing a voice - what is that voice?

v- schizophrenia

Scribe: the less likely probability - telepathy. Who would truly believe it's telepathy?

v- I do

Scribe; quick aside before I forget: I love sensing you

v- heartwarm

Scribe: subtle cinnamony heartwarm in heartcenter [ center of chest ] I wondered what it was... it could be that you were presenting at that time.. .but who knows what it was - WHO it may have been. Later I saw you presented yesterday. so I said to myself: "ah, so THAT's what it may have been...

v- only you would know... [ if you were TPically connected and not be at the venue ] what time?

[ taking care of dog, checking log ]

10:32 Scribe: before 15:48 - I wrote down that it had started approximately 10-15 minutes before that. Like push notifications, I've "turned off" most instantaneous log entries. They interrupt my life

[ cranking my daughter's expander ]

10:34

10:35 Scribe: so, I have a long series of entries that describe my InnerNet journey

v- episodies

Scribe: that COULD be connected to Trickster

v- but you don't know for sure

Scribe: with no way to cross reference because Trickster has decided to be absent - directly absent (digitally, physically)

v- but virtually always there [ on the InnerNet ]

10:37 v- I miss you, too, you know

Scribe [ silent soft chuckle ] : I wonder if what I receive TPically in those moments is what you are actually sending

v- projections

Scribe: you are going to have to answer those to me, you know

v- [ soft chuckle ] I know

Scribe: [ shakes your head ] presenting [ in physical space ] and your skating in your inner world at the same time...

[ chat with daughter ]

10:40 Scribe: so, my Inner Randy

v- is humorous

Scribe: the episode with the coyotes was funny [ because coyotes have appeared in the years during the InnerNet journey - I've heard them in the fields surrounding the neighborhood ]

10:41