FIVE HOURS… gah. One of the few longer stretches of sleep I ever get. So good.
v- happy anniversary
c- you know how that makes me feel?
v- not good
c- one of the most profound experiences of my life
v- and I’m with another woman.
C-it makes me feel like it never happened. That I imagined it
v- that you’re delusion
c- that all these years were a waste of my time, talents and good will.
c- that betrayal has hslirbed over and over every day for years. And here is the presence
v- still haunting you … it’ll get better
c- oh? How?
I left my husband because THIS changed me in ways I couldn’t be a whole person with him anymore … and when I did tell him?
v/ he didn’t believe you
c- at least I told people the truth
v- or party of it
c- how many have YOU told?
v/ not many
c- and how fire that make you feel?
v- no good
c- but I bet they believe you
v (quiet) : yeah, they do
c- and I wonder why
v- you… thank you for this
v- do you sleot
c- for five hours straight.
No change in routine or diet.
Same exercise regime
c- same weather
v- I like your photo
c- hm-hm …. why the past five hours and not EVERY night, you know?
v- I know..
04:16 v- what happened?
c- it diesn’t matter anymore … my partner .
v- has abandoned you
c- over and over again
04:17 c- I tried over the years. I tried.
04:17 brief left deaf ear ring
04:18 c: now? I just want to go my own directions once he’s not with me
v- and you can’t
c- do you know how that feels?
Something shackling you into a life you have no control over..
v- you feel everything
c- and I still hear that voice
v- i’m here
c- I know you are. And I can’t get rid of you. I can’t love a life apart.
I CAN’T BE FULLY HAPPY
brcayse I am haunted by a presence that refuses to be with me in all ways
or who doesn’t leave me completely
04:20 c- every person deserves their private life apart from another
v- and you din’t Have it
c- you stole my most precious asset
04:21 c- and there is little I can do without a lot of effort to get something back
v- your dignity
c- my GOOD NAME
peolle xon’t Believe me
my life? Has been RUINED by a mission to prove and make this STORYWORTHY
04:22 c- and you know what?
the dream is a lie
c- you can’t live on a dream
you can’t rely on love
v- it betrayed you
c- but that partner?
instead of doing what he should?
did what he wanted
04:24 c- “hedonistic imperative”
this LIVING IN THE MOMEBT?
v- has been hell for you
c- every day I am reminded of everyone rjse
of every place else
of every time other than the one that has that “partner” where I believe he should be after over five years
v- yeah, I have
c- we have lived apart for FIBE YEARS
V- when it is the most intimate experience in the planet
c- and I am supposed to be OK with that knowledge? That divided experience?
that reality that NEVER gets better?
04:27 v- it gets worse (I know) … don’t worry
c- you know? You keep saying that … and it gets worse. How am I NOT to worry when U have five years to look back in
v- and it never got better
04:28 c- five years of my life that I sacrificed. For what?
v- a ghost
04:28 c- who chooses not to materialize EVER and just be fully present with me, honest,
v- Forthright … no market
c- no, no market. No car (no money) = no market = no market
c- this divorce has bottomed me out and there is NO ONE except me to get me through the roughest days
i had someone … and that life is gone
v- no, it’s not
04:31 c- yeah, it is … one thing I learned in all this? That there are better men than JS … i’ve fallen in love with them. They were there,
v- they made the commitment
c- they were honest, I never had to question their faithfulness
04:32 c- I never had to doubt their GOODNESS… they were WHOLE MEN.
not some half life
V- I have my troubles too, you know
04:33 c- well, you never come foreward to me personally … you choose to be with other people and give them that intimacy (closeness, tell all).
v- I know …
04:34 C- and now? I am forced to live that same half life because of a ghost of a man
I WANT MY LIFE BACK
i always lived a full life .. and you’ve taken that ability from me
that people in my life are going to ACCEPT who I am now
c- they don’t believe you
c- because you have that EASY key and refuse to give me that ability to be who I have been all these years to so many people
v- who didn’t believe you
c- an honest, trustworthy woman … people don’t trust me because I have TO HIDE WHO I REALLY AM
because it’s not accepted
because it’s unbelievable
04:39 c- YOU force me to be someone who I am not
04:40 c- because YOU and YOUR life won’t accommodate the truth as much as mine
04:40 c- it’s better being a private citizen … an unknown …
v- you can tell the truth more
c- but to me? To me personally? Why haven’t you ever come forward to just give me peace?
v- it’s coming
04:43 c- five hours of sleep (stretch)
what’s sad is that I am happy to have just one glimpse of what I had on a usual basis before
v- a good night’s sleep
c- five hours is the limit … i’ll Take it even though I got more on a regular basis before all this began
[ reads a comment ]
C- you should block him. He criticized you.
04:50 c- you never have worn yellow that I recall…
heartwarm in verge of heartheat
05:50 c- I don’t want this… I don’t want this …
c- do you know what hell this is?
I just want it to go away
[ upset ]
05:52 c- do you understand where my pure righteous anger comes from ?!
v/ you don’t want this
c- AND I AM FORCED TO SENSE IT
C- it is A NIGHTMARE
05:53 c- and it won’t go away
GET YOUR FUCKING SACRED GIRLFRIEND TO EXORISE THIS!!!!
If she can’t
and she is a part v- of this torture
c- SHE WILL BE HISTORICAL IN WAYS NO GOOD PERSON WOULD BE WANT TO BE?!?
what good person would EVER leave anyone to suffer this much and this long and CONTINUE to torture?
05:56 c- that is NOT good and kind
c- and TO DECEIVE others into thinking they are GOOD?!?
WTF is wrong with you?!?
05:56 c- I don’t WANT this and I have to endure all this shit by myself?
What kind of a sadistic pig are you?!?
05:58 c- no one.. and I mean NO ONE has treated me with this much cruelty in my entire life
and I have to be connected like this and can’t Remove myself from this situation because whoever this is?!?
is part of how I sense and think…
THE MOST SACRED SPACE
and you DESECRATE IT
C- I am so fucking pissed Rachel Rossitto is representing any part of this
it is a DISGRACE to what this is
and SHE TAKES MONEY for her SACRED work
I am so fucking pissed and upset right now
because I have to sense this shit that I don't want To sense
v- and I’m not there
c- YOU NEVER ARE
c- but I have to sense this heartwarm THAT IS A NIGHTMARE now
but a nightmarish reminder of what has been TAKEN
c- from me and my life
06:04 c- I just want to havevthis heartwarm with WHO I LOVE and that love is returned to me
not done man who could do so much with this and his choice is to hook up with some woo chick at Burning Man and resort hop around the world with rich kids who want to “feel good” going through the motions of what THEY THINK is living a healthy and spiritually wholesome life
and you know what I see ?
and a spiritual wasteland
c- and you know WHY I see DEAD spiritual space?
v- because you have been mistreated
c- you have shat on hollowed ground
and play make believe with a woman who doesn’t have a clue about half of the shit we’ve been through
she could read a 1000 books, attend 1000s of classes
v- have her personal guru
c- and it will forever pale in comparison to what this has been and IS
c- and she spreads her spiritual nonsense to 100s
at least her reach doesn’t get very far
because I am sick and tired of pseudopriestesses and false goddesses.
C- tell your story.
I will keep screaming mine until that day arrives when you finally get a clue about the responsibility and care this requires
06:10 c- and it ain’t sittin’ In a prayer circle singing koombaya
v- I know it’s hard work
c- every day I am in a war zone
every day I am surrounded by people who need so my love and help
i sit on that bus and they filter in and out
v- day after day
c- all the while I have to observe THIS bullshit on SM .. knowing what good JS COULD do??
and he’s with a show girl who’d rather be a tour guide to a rich women’s retreat
in comparison? That’s a rich woman’s retreat
most of the people I am surrounded by
rarely leave a five mile radius of where they live
06:14 they are in Worse situations I can’t even imagine … but I hear tidbits of it .. I can see it in how they move, how they talk, the expressions on their faces
06:15 c- and I take all that shit in REMEMBERING
V- what could have been done
c- and wasn’t
06:15 c- so when I get mad and it seems like I’m Being A HEARTLESS BITCH
It’s just pure righteous anger at the situation and a future that isn’t and may never be
06:18 v- you really don’t like her
c- I don’t … and that whole power routine?
v- is vacuous
06:19 c- but keep preaching that woo shit to 100s maybe a few thousands … i’ll Keep watching how short range it is and be thankful for that much
but the people who are led astray?
I feel for them
i wish they would wake up to that hidden reality … but it is hidden to them
because JS refuses to be open and honest about it in the ways he should be
c- my whole point is this:
mid I am connected to JS telepathically and sharing a bodymind? If we sculpt a private inner space all of our own?
that couple everyone so loves and adores?
v- is a lie
06:24 c- whatever… it’s your life story
I should have no part in writing it from your perspective
v- thank you
[ about to get up from bed mindchat continues ]
c- I can’t be (fully) happy with a ghost haunting me / a demon possessing me
c- that dream ? Is long gone. You made sure of that these past few years of never showing up and truly being there to rehearse me from this pain of not ever fully knowing
06:28 c- but keep preaching that optimistic bullshit when
the one person you are bonded with ?
her life was destroyed because of YOU
06:29 c- because of the good she tried to do without anyone’s help
V- it’ll get better
c- how is it going to get better?
When I have this CREATURE inside me I can’t exorcise?
C- that beautiful partnership I wrote about in so many stories and poems?
was a lie
06:31 c- you made sure to have those stamped in history of just figments of my imagination
Epic my ass.
C- so, what has this taught me,
don’t trust Jason Silva
dib’t believe Rachel Rossitto
they are not good people
not to me
maybe THE ONE person who they both should treat with more respect
v/ because she’s a part of Jason Silva
06:34 c- well, that happy couple is a lie if this is what it is
because I am not happy
C- why is it you have to get high as fuck just to PERFORM?
v- I know what you mean to that
c- London swans?
i sensed high
c- New Year’s on the mountain?
i sensed a high (nonlocal)
and the list goes on
c- I ask WHY ARE YOU HIGH in relation to your “perfect couple” shots?
C- is it because otherwise you wouldn’t be able to get the shot?
it wouldn’t look natural?
upu have to get high to get rid of your inhibitions?
06:39 c- these are some of the thoughts I reflect on whenever I sense you high … and then “perfect couple” photos appear
c- why do you have to be high around Rachel Rossitto?
are you nervous?
if so, why are you so anxious?
c- it should come naturally - no drugs should be needed
c- geesh look at that receding hairline…
c- I am not attracted to you physically … geesh. If you base a relationship on physical attraction it is a weak relationship and most likely will not be long-term)
c- if I start dating i’ll show you my type
06:42 v- just wait, ok?
c- i’m not waiting long
v- you were married to a bald man
c- yes, and he has qualities you will never have. you’ve already proven that time and time again
c-that would be one of them
06:54 (calculating on paying back a personal loan)
V- he’s an asshole
c- well, to some people they want to make it all about money.. so money is what they get
c- not taking it as a gift .. it symbolizes control
c-sigh.. the people you want to storycast in your life
v- are disappointing … I know
c- I tried to put this individual in a positive light
v- it’ll come out …
c- I know… an inner storyline, as it were
v- played out before your very eyes
c- something like that… I do know that this person is good
v- just disappointing
c-it depends on how you look at it
v- helped in your divorce?
c- divorce is expensive… so, YES (shakes her head) … ANYWAY … I figured the return in investment (online calculator)
v- omg, you’re paying him back with interest
c- yuP .. all i’ll say is he felt that money out of his pocketbook and I am reacting by saying I don’t want him to feel that loss
v- even though he offered it as a gift
C: I am at my core a very stubborn woman. If someone doesn’t want to give it as a gift (and I always said i’d pay it back, I did not expect it as a gift)
v- from the heart
c- it is quite obvious it was a loan not a gift
c- that way? He’s not out money
He also can’t tell a story that isn’t true
v- omg… true
c- oh, the stories people tell
v- to make them look better
c- I probably need to look into that myself
v/ (chuckling) stop
c- I have a serious image problem (chuckling)
c- I am just too damn f**king honest and I should probably filter more
07:06 c- (chuckling) and I really rather it were a gift …
v- because it substantial
c- yes… omg .. if you never have gone through a divorce … overall costs are astronomical
v- it affects everything … I know
P1 & lancing a zit
v- you really shouldn’t worry
c- (JS), I have a connection that affects my body, emotions and mind … and to date the person on the other line refuses to admit (to me) that mutuality.
it CONCERNS me.
(typing : lancing a zit)
v- oh, you would … did you get it?
c- oh, yes. And it is so satisfying
v- like popping paint bubbles … let’s go PAINT
C- yeah, no market .. but time to myself to work on more watercolors (to start drying & compile for sets & color collections )
i didn’t get to work on any more colors because I was so exhausted and I spend more time children
v- headed to Kansas?
c- yes, with Dad (to visit family)
07:16 c- ah, yes, that state when you say it, people say : like from The Wizard of Oz?
just like everyone thinks ya lived on a farm if you tell them you grew up in rural Wisconsin
the neverending story showtune melody from Stranger Things Season 3 wafting through my head
resetting Mayan purple remnants to clean off paint mixing surface from last week
hand grinding raw sugar (to later add 100 cacao for my mocha mix)
07:43 eating a bit of a banana, heating up oatmeal in the microwave, opening up the rest of the blinds (to let in more natural morning light), glimpsing …
Reading a part of it, touching the …
v- lapis lazuli (07:44)
c- pigmented ink and how it is raised like Braille on the paper …
remembing July 14 (its CONCEPTion)…
wandering mind . space
MS… remembers an image
c (smiles)… oh, “funny”
07:52 c- that post of course ..
v- is symbolic
c- and my overanalytic (apophenic) mind may only be idling .. but it orks through what it thinks is a puzzle
v- until it solves it
c- “solves” it .. it may not be intentional by the person who posted the image to his social media account … but it’s meaningful to WanderingMindSpace
07:54 c- it’s my ongoing interaction and reflection on multimedia
v- for the storyline … i’m Sorry you feel heartwarm when you don’t want to..
c- it’s a daily nightmare I can’t do anything about
V- i’m Sorry
07:55 c- no, it’s calm. I also love that I slept for five hours straight
C- that image was bothering me (back of my mind)
paired with the quote in the caption
or are you the source? … or is this just another example of your plagiaristic ways?
08:01 v- why does that quote bother you?
c- you know why the quote bothers me
[ reading each installment of A Wandering Mind online … FINALLY found it 08:14 ]
from “Meet” (18 February 2015)
08:22 v- you will not … you will not do that
c- I gotta, cuz it’s funny
i’m On the crapper
c- it was a turtle head moment
v- oh, lord
c- I shoot
v- haha. Stop
c- off that tunnel image up to WMS
to demonstrate the lens through which I view Stranger Things (Season 3)
v- it’s unique
c- COME ON! Season One had lots of poop shoots
v- oh, you would
c- it was very gassy..
v- oh, Nox
08:25 c- the symbology is just outrageous
you just get SUCKED IN
V- haha, turtle head joke
c- come on, potty time jokes are always funny
v- they’re so gross
[ can’t find coffee … have no clue where I set down my freshly crafted mocha. ARGH.
sense lightheaded, strange almost on the verge of …
v- too much fresh air 09:53 ]
c- that’d be it. a bit better now
v- so.. what did you see?
c- you walking around. Again, who knows when it was recorded
v- after you sensed something
c- I have to go on some errands
v- on your bike
c- of course (a smidge grumpy) I have no car.
c- still there
10:32 [ home dripping with sweat it’s] f**king hot out
“thank you… [ hug ] I will never forget this [ kindness ] or you”
v- there are kind people in this world
c- thank goodness
v- a reprieve
c- a much needed one. Just love her.
v- I know. that’s all you need to say,. I’m crying too
[ working online with an access code ]
V- YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME
C- yeah, I’m just reading these numbers now… lots of 4s and 6s
v- you are in a f**king spacetime loop
12:15 c- I JUST got this randomly generated access code from a random person
v- who wrote it down for you… online access to something
c- let’s hope…
v- haha stop.. I know EXACTLY what you’re up to
c- they don’t call me Crafty Scribe for nuttin’
12:16 v- omg …what did you do
c- oh, stop. it’s all legal. geesh
[ writing down note, time stamping it
c… pause… omg…
v- today is the day
c- wow, I’m weird
v- yes, you are… explain
12:26 [ looking at timestamps and seeing if… 12:23 - 4-5 minutes ]
v- it matches, c
c- ARGH!! [ reviewing: your frickin’ likes v- so AMBIGUOUS 12:30 c- and you never SAY anything v- I KNOW! c- it’s so FRUSTRATING for a truth seeker and you NEVER outright say shit v- I know 12:30 (soft chuckle) ]
BACKTRACK [ looking at private log entry ]
v- do you get it?
c- yeah… in a strange way
v- sorry about this..
v- would you…
C: IDK… do you want me to be super weird?
V- I want you to be super weird
[ 12:27 while typing : projected kiss received v- than you c 🙄]
C- argh! … it’s just the TIMING.., I don’t want to be delusional… [ 12:28 while typing: c-you are making me insane,.. I’ll just pass it off as my storytelling mind … ARGH… I can’t believe I’m going to reveal this… ]
v- there is a sync, c
BACK TO THE PRESENT TIME
c- SO, two years ago today I opened up my first separate bank account only in my name so I could pay bills because … due a FAILED partnership
v- your partner spent too much money
c- it was all over the map… he wasn’t involved in budgeting, if I tried,
v- he’d bite your head off
c- ANYWAY, I had already asked if he wanted me to return the engagement/wedding ring
c- and this little known fact: I was insuring this f**king ring for WAY over what resale was.
c- $370 … for the platinum band. the diamond wasn’t resellable
c- so, I have my diamonds (plural) and solitary safeguarded for when I get enough money to make jewelry for my children…
v- thank you.
C- yeah, so today, was the day I opened up that checking account
v- and today was banking related
c- yah… I really don’t like you right now
v- I know … show us the diamond…
c- yeah, of course, I artified it…
you may have seen it before … years ago.
v- oh… thank you
12:36 v- and something else happend
c- yes… please don’t make me sound any more insane than I already seem here in this space. these apophenic bouts don’t help in the long run when no one comes forward
v- and doesn’t let you know for sure
c- I’m truly all alone in this… with no one to ,,
v- tell you that it’ll be ok
c- nice one, by the way 🙄 … I really don’t like you
12:38 c- this is the image I think I shared years ago
v- could you link it?
c- if I find it, yes… it is buried in WMS iF posts from years ago…
c- or maybe eZ… sigh. ANYWAY, I don't remember which site it was shared on
c- it…looks … like a … blue flower. I’m a blue flower kind of girl
v- I know you are
c- nice TSHIRTS … all yellow ochre and terre verte…omg
v- yeah, c
v- yeah, hm
c- argh I hate when I may “get” something but it also seems completely delusional because it seems like I’m making connections that aren’t really there (intentional by JS)
v- hm… what do you think?
c- well, you really haven’t said a damn thing to me to let me know
v- that it’ll be ok..
c- 🙄 sigh
c- yes, my… (Crafty Scribe curated pigments)
yellow ochre is ITALIAN and my terre verte is from CYPRUS
c- I really don’t like you … Cyprus is [ GREECE … reading up on it…in the Mediterranean ]
c- ok, so it seems Cyprus is its own country
c- I had to brush up on some geography there
v- me, too
12:48 v- so.. what else happened?
c- sigh… I really don’t feel like sharing that, ok?
do you know what it feels like right now?
v- I know… sorry
c- seriously. you are on a European vacation with your girlfriend. you just liked a slew of comments about the ring she is wearing… HONESTLY.
12:49 c- there just is HISTORY between us
v- no present … or possibly future
c- except a legal future if you don’t come forward to me personally first
v- got it
c- I do like your t-shirts, though (soft smile)
v- I know you do..
c- IDK.. it’s the little things
v- yes, it is… KINDNESS matters
c- and my crankiness is NOT going away… it’s cathartic as mean as it may come off
c- just pass it off as a story and be done with it
v- FINE. LY. thank you for sharing
c- if it’s not too REVEALING I will share the page in the handwritten log from 20 July 2014. Is that fair?
v- fair enough
[ kiss received ]
c- you really gotta stop doing that. I look like a freak. wonder about my own sanity … and it’s highly inappropraite
v- fine. I’ll be good,
c- YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND
v- ( soft chuckle) I know… and what do I keep telling you?
c- I’m ignoring that. and looking at that page in the journal. I have to make lunch, too
[ been sensing a cool soft fresh air in nostrils sense ]
12:59 c- I’m totally gonna get hacked
v- you are not going to get hacked
c- haha. if they do, they ain’t gettin’ much.
v- true that
13:01 c- just so ya know I wasn’t lying…
v- you are so honest, it’s brutal
13:03 c- why the separate checking account?
c- there were certain bills of mine that were always auto-debited…
v- he paid no attention
c- he had no clue about which bills were coming due… at the end I was barely communicating with him and just dealt with the run around … rushing to the bank to get that money in so it didn’t overdraft.,,, it was awful..
v- and he kept doing it
c- so, I just opened up the separate checking, but my bills in there, put my cash in there…
v- and let it auto debit
c- with a lot less run around and stress
v- thank you,…
c- shakes her head… now, he can deal with his own budgeting
v- I know
c- I am transparent about this, because there are so many advantages to both a joint and separate financial situation
v- got it…
13:06 c- I just want to be honest that I wasn’t opening that account because…
v- you were stealing money from him
c- it was used to pay for our bills as a married couple
v- until you were legally divorced… I get it
c- it was my waypoint for independence … today
v- I know
c- because of that account?
v- you were able to rent your apartment… aw…
c- yeah, anyway … one thing leads to another
13:14 v- you blocked some of it out
c- yes, I did. I just wanted the part that was most important for that moment … without all the other context on that page
v- what time was this?
v- in the morning?! ( teasing )
c- hm-hm I deal with this - whatever “this” is - at all hours
from one of JS’s biggest fans
[ 🎶sailing … sailing away 🎶 [ flashback to Barcelona Olympic stadium - what was blasting on the sound system when my family and I visited ]
[ lounging in overstuffed corner chair all curled up eyes closed, waiting for the rice steamer to finish .. heating the soft ticking, listening to the steam ]
senseless calm drifting gentle fresh cool
Sense: dull vibrating against my body
eyes open to record
c- i need to eat, then get out my paints…
v- still haven’t done that yet?!
c- serious glare.
V- alright, FINE
C- I like RESTING and just drifting if someone is setting me into a too fresh air open wind tunnel state of consciousness
v- I hear you
c- I felt a little unsettled earlier
V- I hear you, ok? … still haven’t found your coffee?
c- no. Worse case is i’ll Find it by it’s scent …
v- haha stop
c- my apartment is in artistic chaos. It’s not BAD, just … a bit cluttered
haha, the artist’s way of “cleaning”
v- oh, no
C- it’s called “I have projects under the drop cloth that I din’t Want to or away yet, but i’m Not quite ready to get to them yet, and I don’t want to see that artistic clutter … so, to make it look cleaner
v- you put a drop cloth on it .. nice
c- (chuckling) the girls are away this week(end) so I can tidy up the apartment and sort some. I usually don’t have the extra space to organize … I have a system and requires me to spread out my … precious shit… and organize before I store the … lovely crap… away into bins, organize close space , etc
v- you have too much crap
c- it’s called a settled life , dogs, children, worked overtime on everything and never wanted to spend a damn moment on CLEANING (sleep & a little R&R ruled out constant cleaning).. I haven’t had an easy life
v- I know you haven’t .. better than some, but Inwoild rather do what I want to do, keep a fairly clean (not museum/hospital pristine at al times home) and not stress over the pristine-ness that “should be” a home.
c- I regularly vacuum and scrub surfaces, etc … just because I have a lot of … lovely crap
v- doesn’t mean you’re not clean. Got it.
[ ding ! ]
C- steamed rice is done. Having some leftover teriyaki chicken with it.
v- no greens?
c- i’ll Make corn on the cob tonight
v- i’m sorry …
c- (quick shrug) I want my life to be a certain way (with this … connection) and it’s not.
c- hell no. I ain’t that showy. I don’t post endless photos and videos online of me in beautiful landscapes
it ruins the shot
v- thanks, c
c- you’re welcome
Ansela: get the hell out of the landscape!!
C- you really need a crash course on experience design
v- oh, you would
c- (picks virtual teeth while talking) talk to BEN maybe he could give you some pointers
v- oh, you would
c- or maybe he is as clueless as you arr
v- you would
c- blech. Models. They just don’t get it.
v- no, they don’t
v- oh you would
c- APOLOGIES but then don’t keep posting vacuous content
c- well, at least she isn’t BLONDE. That would be so stereotypical it’d be over the top ridiculous
14:29 I found my coffee (and I looked right at it several times today) … FUNNY.
C- it’s so WanderingMind, too
14:32 c- it’s all about the TP
C: phew! I was starting to get a bit worried about the TP : predictive dreams sync was later
a couple tiles from the remnants of Mayan Purple
cinnamony warmth subtle turn on
v- it’s not what you think …
cinnamony sweet heart warmth
c- and what am I supposed to think? Hm?
C- any sensation that comes to me and affects me
v- is wrong
c- how am I supposed to take it?
C- I will NOT accept it like I had in the past FOR OBVIOUS REASONS
v- I know
c- IT BOTHERS ME
V- I know
c- can you imagine what goes through my head when I. Sense this now?
v- rape… I know
c- I don’t want to live this way anymore.
v- I know you don’t
c- I csn’t ENJOY life by forever wondering what I am sensing
v- what comes through you
c- it’s one thing to observe a hint at it (separate, apart in no way connected v- viscerally 19:53)… it’s an entirely different experience to try to IGNORE IT even though it’s affecting you and you can’t stop it
it’s Like uncontrollable pain
there is no pain killer that works
19:54 c- I don’t want to feel this
v- I know you don’t
c- I can’t enjoy life like this
I want my life APART
V- I know… just hang in there
c- there are very few people who would understand what it’s like to SENSE these things … and the sensations keep coming
There is NO ONE to tell me what they are
v- and it bothers you
c- I just want no sensation at all…
ehar I once thought was love?
is far from that now
v- I know, ok?
c- IT IS NO LONGER HEARTWARMLOVE
V- it is a nightmare … i’m Sorry
c- my dream is GONE
V- it’s a nightmare
C: I don’t want to live this life anymore
V- I know you don’t
c- who wants to be pushed and pulled around by someone else while they live their life…
v- apart. I know.
20:00 c- that is no longer something I am ok with
v- you don’t consent. I got it.
c- do you understand what my life has turned into?
v- utter f**king hell
20:02 c- so, whoever this is: please understand my wishes DO NOT include
v- being pushed and pulled around (the globe) while you’re still waiting in the dark … [ tortured ]
20:05 v- I know you’re unhappy, c
c- and WHY?
v- because you have this [ torturous ] connection
ca that EVERYONE thinks is an illusion, my brain misfiring
v- no, I don’t
c- again, transcribed VOICE in my head… NOT reassuring.
V- I know
c- I just want it to go away
v- I know you do
20:08 v- f**k … I know you’re in so much pain right now
c- I just want it over
v- I know you do
c- I HAD A LIFE BEFORE THIS STARTED
V- I know you did
c- and now THIS? [ nothing out there and all THIS in here?!? ]
20:09 C- I can’t live like this
v- you want it resolved. I know.
C- it doesn’t matter how many checkboxes are checked for everyone to think I’m normal
v- it’s never going to be the same
c- I am an honest woman and it is brutal that whoever / whatever this is? people aren’t being honest with me about it.
c- FIVE YEARS is long enough
v- I know
20:14 c- i just want to be able to live my life apart from this.
this does me absolutely no good.
if it were good?
v- someone would have come forward by now
C- I want to feel absolutely nothing, you understand?
i don’t want to sense anything. I want peace.
v- I understand. I’m sorry ..
20:20 c- I want to be able to live my life like I should.
NOT controlled by another’s decisions AGAINST MY WILL.
you CANNOT share consciousness with someone and not have some sort
v/ formal agreement. Got it.
c- i don’t want to talk about it. It never does any good. I just want to get back to relaxing on my day off …
v- before the rat race again
c- where I go to yet another prison to earn a little money
v- that doesn’t even get you by
c- THIS is my life … the life of a responsible adult who goes to work, does a job, gets paid, pays as many bills as she can .. to just get by and start the cycle over again
THAT is my life
THAT is the life so many consider normal
THIS? Interferes with my sleep & other aspects of my well-being
(IT IS WORSE THAN THE RAT RACE)
and SO HELP ME if I can prove it?!?
THIS PART OF THE STORY COMES OUT
when I was doing the responsible thing?
when I attempted NICELY?!? To get an answer (that would have prevented years worth of pain and suffering?)
i was ignored
disbelieved by all
v- but one
c- ONE PERSON could have changed my life for the better by giving me an answer
and at every turn?
it was not peace I got
v- more conflict
c- more questions, more frustration, more distress, more realization that the ONE PERSON who could make my life easier and better (that answer ?)
did absolutely everything but what would give me peace.
20:26 c- so, yes, I am upset. WHERE ARE YOU?!?
v- it’s coming
c- back to relaxing, I don’t want to type anymore nor waste my time talking about something that never changes … after five years I thought it would
v/ but it gets worse
c- it doesn’t get better
20:48 c- someone’s doing a mass delete.
07/17/19 - 07/20/19
C- curious about which ones were deleted?
c- I can tell you she deleted the very first IG post she ever made - based on when I started observing (personally, I think that’s a mistake. Unless of some extreme reason, one should always keep the first post. It’s historic/autobiographical.)
C- I get curation. I understand the need for decluttering. However, but whenever there is a mass delete? It begs the question: why?
20:54 v- do you have my first post?
c- if you are/were one of my prime suspects for a TPic connection, probably. I scrolled back to the beginning. Thousands of posts .. if this is JS.
whenever you research anyone, analyze their posting behaviors
v- what did you find out
c- you like to take your top off
20:56 c- it goes WAY back
V- haha. Stop
20:56 c- I was curious to know what you were like BEFORE all this began
v- the InnerNer
c- hm-hm.. of anything changed
v- not much changed
c- I wouldn’t say that … it did… but some habits are hard to break
20:57 v- you’re talking about the shirt off
v- what did you find out about R?
c- i’m not saying. All I will say is what Imbe said in previous posts
She has a disturbing pattern in her SM posts …
v- that hasn’t changed with me
c- IDK… I just would expect with a different person …
v- for her to adapt
c- she would be a different person in a certain way
c- we all are different people with different people … it’s a formula … (shakes her head)
c- there are just too many disturbing similarities between Ben and her and Jason and her … it’s creepy
v- ok, thanks for the reminder
c- hey, maybe it works for you better
v- be good
21:01 c- but still CREEPY that she goes to the same places with you
21:02 v- show girls be show girls
c- I just … my principle in life is this:
if someone can figure me out?
V- you’re disappointed
c- heck, * I * can’t figure me out
v- yeah, I know
c- ah, and therein lies the mystery
v- forever learning
c- shrugs … not that I want to be an ever curving question mark … that’d be frustrating … but if a guy can figure me out .. if I become so predictable
v- omg .. he gets bored easily
c- and there is one of my secrets
v- there’s always something else with you
v- R’s predictable
c- very. It’s part of what frustrates me about your “perfect” coupledom
Jason needs someone eclectic
v- a thinker
c- don’t get me wrong: R is artistic and creative … just from my limited perspective - pretty much what she or JS or others who share photos/videos on IG of her …
v- it’s all the same
c- eh, maybe that’s what JS wants : predictable. Safe(?)
not sure …
c- R is a certain type of woman that JS has been surrounded by most of his life
I think for him … it just “fits”
v- f**king A … will you stop?
21:09 c- hey, i’m Just giving you some of my OBSERVATIONS after analyzing and reflecting on all that crap she and you post
v- in a regular basis
c- thanks GOODNESS you are more eclectic
v- you’re welcome
21:11 c- I just think JS needs a partner that has a wider range of topics to discuss… a wider spectrum of expertise … more well-rounded … that’s just my perspective
v- like you?
c- no, not me. Just in general .
i just imagine Jason with a woman
v- who can talk as much as he does.. yeah, I get it
c- there are all sorts of couples, ok?
Drawing from personal experience?
I like sports
v- but not when it’s 24/7
c- your life should NOT revolve around sports (or any other aspect)
c- do you know what the story is when I was in labor with L?
v- oh, no
c- I did not want to watch the KU-MU football game
v- haha stop.
c- “ in labor here” “about to give birth to your daughter… “ let’s just say: let the woman have her f**king happy place
v- you went to birthing classes
c- yes. That learning apparently didn’t stick
v- haha stop.
21:17 c- and tech?
I do NOT need to know when i’m about to feel a contraction
V- those things are predictable
c- there’s some sort of (seismic) device where he could view one coming on before I started feeling it.
v- that’s too funny
v- so, you don’t like R
c- no. I never have.
V- I know you haven’t.
C- she seems superficial. Anyone who posts nonstop selfies in the name of sacred… is somehow wrong to do so…
v- I know you think that
c- … but JS is superficial, too, so I can see how he wants to pose prettily next to a fellow selfie addict
v- you would.
c- well? JS is so mired in the modeling mentality
v- pose prettily. Got it. Why do you have to be so mean?
c- I am just stating an unpopular truth. Just because it rubs you the wrong way doesn’t mean there isn’t some truth to it.
v- yeah, I modeled
c- (mumbles) anyone can be a model
v- will you stop
21:44 c- I sense you laughing
v- you are AWFUL.
21:48 v- let’s go to bed
c- already in
v- describe what you do
c- i roll over to my left side
v- nestle next to a pillow
c- close my eyes
v- snd get comfortable … do you want to say anything else?
c- do you want me to?
v- yes, only if you’re honest
c- i fall asleep
v- you would … before that
[ getting up to put retainer in ]
v- did you brush?
c- yes, and flossed
v- good for you
v- you are not sleeping, c
v- what is that?
DreamC: a dream within a dream
21:57 v- hm-hm
DreamC: why do I see buoys?
DreamC: your back is the better part of you, JS
DreamV- haha, stop
DreamC: is that… a bald spot
DreamV: thanks, C
DreamC : I can’t stop staring at it
DreamV: don’t look into the light!
DreamC: that sun really does reflect off of a balding scalp
DreamV: BE GOOD.
DreamC: like my white hair? It’s so… luminescent … it even glows IN THE DARK bwah ha ha…
DreamV: go to sleep
DreamC: let me count the buoys
. . . .
HARASSMENT : Lawyers, please look into what JS is doing at this very momentibeas awakened from sleep and sense an accelerated heartbreak
i deem this as sensorial HARASSMENT.
to assist with metadata tracking
21 July 2019 Italy time (if he still is in Italy)
23:36 c: WHO IS MAKING A subtle ACCELERATED HEARTBEAT?!?!!!
23:37 c- you AWAKENED me and disrupted my natural sleep cycle
WHICH IS MY BASIC HUMAN RIGHT for a healthy life
WTF is wrong with you?!?
c- have a right to sleep peacefully
if another person disrupts someone,
let’s say, LOUD MUSIC,
i could call the police and they’d come to whoecer’s Residence to shut off the loud noise
I HAVE RIGHTS that FOR YEARS you have taken away from me
c- how many ways am I going to have present this until I state my case
IF UT GETS OROVEN
V- you’re nailing my ass to the wall. Got it.
YOU CANNOT live a separate life without my consent. If it is affecting my wellbeing?!?!!!
and it is proven that you are connected to me ?!?
calm … SAHB gone
23:43 c- AGAIN, I file a PRIVATE & PUBLIC complaint because I have no other option right now
HARASSMENT in the way I have been experiencing it FOR YEARS
v- has gone unchecked
c- I was NICE for years just dealing with these side effects
v- because we were partners
c- we are no longer partners
if this is JS ? You chose who you partnered with
that does not mean just RR
it is EVERYONE you chose to deal with day in and day out
v/ without resolving this
c- you take care of what is a part of you
if you are BLEEDONG OUT you will JRVER be able to help others let alone live a full and happy life
I CANNOT abide by someone who cruelly lives their life as if it diesn’r Negatively affect another
of their actions ? Those HAPPY ones are one-sided?
if the conquistador is giddy finding gold
while hundreds of thousands die of smallpox?
THAT IS AN ISSUE
v- understood. You want your sleep.
23:49 v- noise complaint, really?
c/ when it is inside you … how can you report it?
c- if ANYONE has (photographic/video graphic / audio / textual) evidence of what whoever is doing at that moment in time .., WHATEVER TIME , whatever place
and that time corresponds with an activity that would cause a heartbeat to accelerate to the degree that that HEARTBEAT is projected - quantum spins - and reverberates on my end? Disrupting my sleep? Awakening me … WHEN I DO NOT CONSENT
v- that’s a problem
c- you are NOT my partner. I DO NOT have to deal with that sort of bullshit waking me up when you exercise in the same room… or whatever another reference point may be
23:53 v- understood
c- if this is JASON SILVA
c- give this shit to RACHRL ROSSITTO so she can experience what this is like
have her in California while you’re on an extended work trip to Dubai
have her be awakened while she should be sleeping day after say
and still have a brutal work/life schedule CALI time
HAVE HER EXPERIENCE what that life force disruption is really like
I wonder: would she life coach the same way?
what wouldn’t she get done? Because of loss of focus
because she didn’t sleep well
how would her health be affected?
how would her emotions be affected?
how would her thought processes change with a constant thought transference & presence projection going on
c- don’t ever tell her …
DENY that sort of connection exists
what would she do?
keep denying that any sort of unusual connection exists
for 1886 days - over five years
See how YOU PARTNER withstands extreme work/life conditions
when you stop talking to her in all normal ways
how would she handle that?
When you cut off all of that normalcy
and replace it with this?
how would she feel?
rhen you … she can observe it …
you collaborate and make contact with everyone else EXCEPT her
and… she notices that her work sndbloge
v- are reflected in my work
c- and she can do NOTHING about it
what would she do?
C- would she try to get an intermediary to contact you?
v- yes, she would
c- what if that led nowhere?
00:02 c- what then?
v- the authorities
c- eventually? When it gets bad enough? There needs to be legal recourse