DAY 1845

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08:36 posting

08:37 v- good morning … art day

c: tidy up a bit first … girls and white fur ball coming over soon

v: have a good morning so far?

c: it’s been fine… doing some research… I have to get my Mayan color watercolor recipe better … I had cacking issues last year

c: one of my customers yesterday questioned my math

v- shocker

c: be nice. my quick math in my phone

v- you have a lot of itens

c- yes, so I double checked

v- and it was rightc: sometimes, even though I try to be careful, my phone calculator diesn’t Register certain numbers … ANYway, I think part of her shock

v- was how affordable it was

c- I know what paint sets go for - artist-grade

c- I don’t have the branding, i’m still tweaking recipes & packaging

v- agreed

c- and I still make money … not factoring in too much of my time

v- agreed

c- I am not criticizing the following. It is a beautiful presentation and product … I look at dozens of

v: comparative shopping

c: to see what’s out there

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08:43 c- this isn’t unusual with other online vendors nor in art stores … I looked at the customer yesterday and said :

crafty scribe: I know: that set might go for $50 in the art stores … I support artists. I am not going to charge that much money … and I still make a profit for what I sell the sets for … I am like those artists … trying to scrape up enough money to buy supplies … Art isn’t cheap

[ inside my head : and unfortunately art rarely pays in the usual ways ]

08:47 c- this vendor - Peppercon - I’ve checked out before . It popped up on my search because I was researching Mayan watercolor recipes

c- I think the sample dot cards are genius, which I may use for the farmer’s market

v- price point

c- I most definitely won’t charge $18…

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C: this vendor has some of the same colors I do, so I am pretty sure I know where she bought the pigments from 😆

v- haha, I know

08:53 c: i’m Trying to get better at double handpouring, but the dry time takes a while, and i’m selling out each Saturday of some colors

v- I know! [ because they’re priced right ]

c- i forewarn my customers

v- that the paint is still sticky

08:55

c: I can’t make the watercolors fast enough

08:57

c- so, if you hear, ya think I’m a good saleswoman?

v- you rock

c- 😉

08:58 c- I know my business, and I also am aware of the “I’m not there yet”

v- branding

c- my craft is not perfected yet, and I cannot demand a higher price for, well, farmers market craftware

v- agreed

c- i don’t even have a f—-in’ label yet … well, I do: a handwritten design and blank labels to print on

v- haha, I know

c- not there yet …

v- haha, I know

——

10:03 c- it’s pan’s labyrinth. It’s amazing how dull it looks in the pan, but when watercolor brushed… it’s so bright and vibrant

Image: Mayan Yellow

Image: Mayan Yellow

10:08 a gooey scrape and “pour”

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from the remnants

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—-

11:32 c: of course I’m going to click on that … “16 minutes ago” … argh, I’m Wyrd

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11:32 c- Yes, I recognize it [ from “Oneiromuse”? ]

v- I notice you cut it off…

c- yes, I did, Cinnamon

11:32

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11:37 c- that is so you

v- IT IS NOT

C- how many shirtless selfies have you posted to date?

v- I’m not… I have no idea

C- it wasn’t “Oneiromuse” … hm, but it was a dream poem…

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11:41 c- from the CHISPA Files

v- love you… you have an archive

c- of course I do

11:42 c- all timestamped (with metadata) and everything

v- love you… damn, you’re meticulous … you have to mention it, c

c- yes, I had a dream early this morning

v- and Trickster was in it

c- I woke up and a voice said

v- it’s a dream we dreamed together

11:43 c- yes, that’s what I heard … I gotta declutter (Studio Space needs to be converted into cleaner shared living space). I have to share, because my youngest is so funny …

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—-

12:26 c: from the dream

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12:27 :: a soft, old, worn t-shirt of this color

v- we both were wearing very similar (if not the same) color

c- similar t-shirt. Yes.

12:28 c- real-life event: recently I found it in my closet. I decided not to wear it. It’s torn, etc. and someone was coming over? Even though I was just going to stay home, and the person knows me well, I decided to wear something else (not torn, not a handmedown)

12:30

—-

12:48 c- added to case file

c- you know where you stand. I’ve made that abundantly clear. Don’t make this any worse for yourself. I am NOT joking around.

v- I know you’re not

c- YOU are the cause of making my life MISERABLE for five years … how can you POSSIBILY believe that every move you make won’t be looked back upon and QUESTIONED for its goodness?

v- or cruelty

c- you are a cruel mf. I will say that publicly … you have EVERY choice to make my life better and you chose REPEATEDLY to make it worse

12:51

c- when side by sides happen?

When people actually pay attention to how THIS affected my life?

and you stood there posing pretty and DID NOTHING?

WTF

12:52

C- Live your life, but don’t bring me with you. I’ve said this repeated, you TORTURE me by bringing me with you. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

v- yes, I do.

12:53 c- there are many ways to handle a connection like this. YOURS? Is one of neglect. BIG TIME. Early on and throughout I have TRIED to make this better … and here I am : STILL without a decent human response from you. WTF is wrong with you?

12:54

—-

12:56 c- why not come forward to ME, just ME? To make this better? I don’t care what the world knows, but to treat me long term as if I were Nothing? IS WRONG.

and you have made it worse REPEATEDLY.

i really don’t care about your life … if not for THIS. IT IS PART OF MY LIFE

V- and I treat it like shit.

C- it’s not that I’m not accepting.

I DO NOT WANT TO SENSE AND EXPERINCE SOMEONE ELSE’S LIFE IF THEY REFUSE TO ACKNOWLDGE ME AS PART OF THAT LIFE.

c- and I am. It is utterly WRONG on so many levels and you ignore it repeatedly.

v- and what have I said?

c- oh, and my response to “it’ll come?”

c- SOON. 100% Miami meet.

I have been lied to so many times.

I NEED SOMETHING REAL

I NEED SOMETHING CERTAIN

anything. All I’ve gotten is big fat nothing real or certain for so long it is UNCONSCIONABLE.

no one should ever leave someone in the Unknown for this long.

13:00

v- you saw?

c- yeah, i saw … I like J.

v- I know you fo

c- he’s a good man (and artist)

v- I know you like him. … and?

c- I did not know the exact timing of your Brazil trip, but I find it FUNNY.

v- I know you do

c- that customer who wanted two watercolor sets bound “for Brazil” yesterday - I’m not sure if they will be shipped? That’s the impression I got. Doesn’t matter. But for someone in the farmer’s market here in Ohio to buy something that’s headed to Brazil just NOW?

v- is weird, I know

v: _____

13:03 c- yes, I am familiar with the city… some of my work colleagues / one I.I. Portuguese instructor in particular, I think is from there

c- i’m awful with names, and it’s been years since they moved - to California, I think … she (his wife, American) owned her own translating/interpreting business …

c- he, they both, were super nice

v- __

c- yes, both taught in I.I. & helped with program development

v- _____ (mentions wife’s last name)

c- haha … how do you know that?

v- I remember

c- she did the double last name thing…

c- I keep thinking Paulo… but it’s not… it’ll hit me at some point

v- São Paulo

c- haha, no… crap this is going to bother me (because I worked with him for years)

13:10 c- he helped develop I.I. Materials

v- a native speaker

c- yes, a native speaker 🙄

V- _____

13:11 c- yes, it was based on the template of 240 (the listening course I redesigned for online delivery)

[ google search ]

c- Zampaulo is his last name ANDRE is his first name … and I’m not 100% sure, but I thought he was from the São Paulo area

13:15 c- yup, they’re in Cali

v- you’re memory is impeccable

c- be forewarned

v- haha, I know

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[ errands with oldest, who after watching Stranger Things S01&S02, acquired both vinyl and digital soundtracks ]

in

may have wierded her out after she mentioned the big creature in the sky …

she reminded me of something she talked to me about while washing dishes ages ago (which I did not remember)

a dream world like but at the same time not like the waking world

v- she’s a dreamer

c- yes, she is. And an artist.

V- oh, you’re going to tell her something

c- she’s watched S01 & S02 recently … she had reference points we can … discuss

v- hm-hm… you think that’s a good idea?

c- I will pose it … approach it … logically weird

v- thanks for that

16:45

c- ( steeples fingers ) it’s TIME.

16:45

——-

just as a placeholder, and a reminder that I did not consent.

i still do not consent.

ifo not want to sense someone else’s life.

we all have a choice. Of someone chooses not to come forward? Hat individual has a responsibility to not traumatize another based on that unique connection.

if one reports about how such a connection has a negative effect on another’s life?

Many neglect of such an admission is a violation of that other person’s private space and wellbeing, no matter the sensation.

I do not want another’s life overlay mine or mine to overlay another’s.

I am forced daily to live a life NOT of my choosing, that is forced upon me UNWILLINGLY.

i have memories I would rather NOT have.

Bali : I was awakened feeling as if I were being raped.

THAT is a memory I will not forget.

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C: I will pull up my log files some day and report on all the sensations I endured, all the sensations I DID NOT CONSENT TO.

all the experiences I DID NOT CONSENT TO.

20:23 c- I would NEVER consent to having another woman slip into my bed AND BE A PART OF A RAPE. when I wake up and am SHOCKED out of sleep? THAT IS NOT NORMAL.

20:26 c- so, keep on posting shit like this, JS. Some people may not see it now, but there is a reality you both will have to answer for some day.

20:26 c- there is a woman who is traumatized daily by a connection she would rather not have. Let that sink into your memories.

And you prefer to show a certain version of a reality. Be careful about that.

20:27

20:28 c- you think this is a game? It is far from a joke or a game

v- I am well aware of that.

c- be careful with the version of reality that you choose I show the world, JS. Be very careful

20:29