DAY 1863

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“Those who are able to see beyond the shadows and lies of their culture will never be understood let alone believed by the masses.” -Plato

v- I’m the shadow

c- and the lie. Our choices matter in life.

07:04

c- sometimes I scroll through memes. I was hitting on a lot of this theme right before bedtime.

07:05 v- sleep well?

c- better, yes

07:05

07:06 c- lies pay

v- will you stop

c- money is relative, but in certain things? It matters. When you don’t have any? You can’t pay bills. It brings a ton of inconveniences into your life that others - with money - don’t even think (or worry about) … a comparison will be made. I survived on $200 for two weeks. What RR just bought …? The equivalent helped feed my children and me. Helped me buy gas to get to work so I could make a little money …. Not enough to cover the overdraft that is about to close my bank account … which means my direct deposit from work won’t get there … which means I can’t pay rent. Which means I get evicted. Which means I don’t have any place to go.

c- THAT is a comparison I want to make some day… when I see resemblances?

How many of those people who took inspiration from me… got paid? Paid their bills on time? Didn’t have the worries I have right now?

FOR YEARS this has been going on.

I have to treat it as something that has nothing to do with me

v- but the resemblances are glaring

c- whatever. it’s a story … whatever it is.

07:10 c- but if EVER it leads back to me?

v- serious discussions are going to ensue

c- SEETHING anger - not from me - but those like me … just struggling to get by ..

07:11 c- at what point is it unfair?

v- a while back

07:12

c- so, make your choices on who to support in life

c- i’ll keep supporting the people in my life - KNOWING the shadows-and-lies people are able to keep paying their bills on time

POSSIBLY USING WHAT I GAVE FOR FREE (but licensed… reminder: it’s in the footer)

C- what loopholes did people use to do what they’ve done? It’s beyond chance what I’m observing. (TW posts vs in WMS)

07:14

v- are you mad?

c- it’s a fine line between appreciating a story getting out and feeling like you’ve been taken advantage of for years

07:15

c- it’s not like I haven’t been working

c- we all have variables to live with

c- “right time, right place”

for me? I don’t consider it that any more.

I made choices on Nothing and Nothing is what I get.

07:16

07:18 c- something has to change with the divorce system … there is no excuse for the delays given my variables

v- and creditors are unforgiving

c- there is money just SITTING around … in an age with immediate funds transfers based on LESS authentication than what a divorce involves? … all this hell? Is hell. A hell I never imagined I’d have to deal with.

truth?

i never would have made the decisions I did if I knew this is where i’d be right here right now.

But i can’t reverse time.

I can’t go back and never join Ideapod.

i just have to deal with the hell the best I can … knowing I had to make difficult decisions because of an asshole who never came forward. Who could have made my life easier just by a f—-ing answer so I could make better choices.

it gives you the power to choose.

07:22 c- I would have rather not have had to make the choices I had to in my separation / divorce

i left a man WHO LOVED ME.

i had to make difficult decisions …

v-for your children

c- and my own survival … after a relationship of 23 years?

07:24 so many variables shifted because of that relationship.

c- whenever you are involved in a relationship, there are factors to consider … choices you make together …

with this?

you had a responsibility. Still have one.

Delays are good and bad when there is a separation.

V/ you figure out what they’re going to be like

c/ without you in their lives (as much as you had been)

c- too many to list, really …

v- you had a good morning?

c- 🌈🦄

V- you would

c- … don’t pay

v- no, I know they don’t

c- family money helps … it was INTERESTING what was said in N’s office yesterday… three in attendance and all with a similar vantage point (don’t believe in the self-made b.s. entrepreneurial testimonials … there are other factors that contributed to their success .. . 50% luck… 🍀]

v- f—- stop

c- two entrepreneurs …

v- one that she [ N ] knows about

07:28 c- I gotta go. No purple people eater paint pan outing AGAIN this AM … I have to make coffee instead

v- shower

c- yes, yes, yes … refreshed.

V- and?

c- oh, will you stop … our relationship is complicated

v- beyond complicated

c- people won’t be able to figure us out … * we * don’t understand us

v- … but… you had a good morning

c- … all i’ll respond is that Jessica Jones has a nice smile

v- haha stop. I know what you mean by that

07:31

c- we talk all the time … IDK … some of the conversations we have, like the one before falling asleep last night? … resurface Elsewhere in a way … I am not going to believe in the connection

v/ until I come and talk to you

c- you need to talk to me

v- I know

07:32 c- gotta go

07:41 done editing typos

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c- I should have made decisions just based on the variables of my life

c- but there is one variable that now has a measurable COST… one I have no control over

08:03

[ working ]

09:03

v- so, you ok?

c- in financial ruin because of this

pissedboff they you never gave me an answer I needed 4 years ago

v- you would have had a better life

c- yes, I would have had a better life if not for this. That’s something we both need to live with right now.

09:05 c- so, when I see your “happy life”

v- lies and deceit. I know.

c- when you choose to support someone financially … in whatever way it is… at the expense of someone you’ve been involved with for 4+ years? And all she wanted was an answer?

that doesn’t sit well with me

it won’t sit well for a lot of people (if the connection is confirmed)

09:06 c- your choices MATTER… surface level? They may seem good to the masses

v- dig deeper

c- if you get to the core and it’s rotten?

v- not good. Got it.

09:07

c- our relationship is more complex than financials, ok? But financials me

v- make the world go round

c- they have affected my wellbeing

v- negatively

09:08

c- and quite frankly? I had a right to know 5 years ago

v- I know you did

c- five years of silence? This is what happens: a woman does not believe in a man’s spewage of everything that goes against what happened to her … because of her connection to him

09:09

c- so you may dance and prance, emojify and feel comforted by innumerable compliments and pats on the back

c- until you make right this ginormous wrong?

c I see JS + RR as fakes. Superficial. Not trustworthy. Dishonest. Liars.

—-

[ meeting ]

10:41 c- the world as it is … is how I see it, but what others ASSUME it is, LIARS.

v- (chuckles) BE GOOD.

10:41 c- hrumph. Tell the truth, see how people’s PERCEPTION of you changes based on that truth.

v- BAD GIRL

10:42

[ working ]

c- it’s like I said … I DON’T LIKE YOU …

c- but like how us newbies discover things at work [ what I said yesterday to a colleague) (and then light dawns) … time delays, and exposure time, discovering new areas (v- pockets 10:52) of information … behind a wall, through a window, around a corner … I peek, and voila! It’s there… the data is there in a space I wasn’t aware of before

v- contrarian voice (said humorously scathing)

10:53

[ working ]

11:04 v- will you just be good?

c- don’t make me pull out more examples as how you are not a rep for the common (wo)man

v- FINE …

11:05 v- … and ILY

C- and ILY in my own way

[ projection received ]

c- BE GOOD

V- feeling swooshy

c- a bit chillaxy, yes

c- IDK what it is… but I do like you in the same time zone so I can sleep somewhat better (if it is JS)

v- you’re welcome

11:06

—-

Chillaxy

12:55 c- you and your chillaxiness

[ projection received ]

v- … are you going to define that?

c- just as soon …

v- …as I confirm … got it

12:56

—-

c- making dinner for hungry girls

18:25

v- hm-hm.

18:26

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21:10 c- there. Happy?

v- very …

c- yes, yes, yes … and I am not saying what you just said

21:10

SAHB

C- I don’t know what to make of the 11pm hour accelerated heart beats…

23:38