00:41 c: awake AGAIN.
Unusual cool fresh air in nostrils throat chest and genital area.
Sleep disruption noted.
I have another 15-hour work day ahead of me including travel time and the last thing I want to be sensing is THIS in the wee hours of morning waking me up and keeping me up.
[ prepping & posting SPLINTER notes for DAY 1825 ]
01:21 publishing WMS iF DAY 1825 post
01:26 pushing to IV TW
01:28 c- did I mention that after withholdings I get paid $10/hr… factoring in travel time that’s $5/hr … a job that I need … but that takes up a majority of my time & energy / “earning potential” … so if I can’t sleep, and I can’t use my energy towards other jobs beyond those 15 hr/day M-F … ?
I can’t pay for rent and get evicted.
THIS IS MY LIFE HERE & NOW.
01:42 post by JS about his job (IG)
“Reflecting about my career in Spanish”
this connection shouldn’t be
what good does it do?
[ Well, it shows if JS is connected to me?
He has a lot to answer for in the future
and that it-could-happen-to-anybody-person?
He walked all over and didn’t give a damn ]
fire antsy soles & toes
03:36 awake again
03:56 v- I know you’re angry
c- I have to get up in a few minutes
I have to get as much sleep as I can… and this is my life?!
This life that you never acknowledge is a result of a connection with you
you are NOT working with me but against me
do you understand why I am so upset?
V- yeah, I do
c- I want my life back
v- I know you do
04:01 c: to set the record straight with some dark humor - who I am? Who I have been throughout all this? Is a direct result of never getting an answer that someone easily could have given me.
When you finally do come forward?
v- all this changes.
C- there is no way in hell I am going to sit by and take more shit from you after five plus years of nothing. No word. Having to suffer day in and day out from all sorts of side effects directly resulting from a suspected quantum entanglement situation with you … one which you refuse to admit to.
Here’s my dark & snarky humor (meme I stumbled upon a few months ago )
04:06 c- … or have one inside you (nonlocally)
04:11 c- I don’t have the extra money nor flexibility in my life to accommodate this like you do. Different life variables matter.
And I’m not asking for money. I’m asking for an answer so I don’t have to worry daily about things that I shouldn’t have to worry about.
You have your answer (what do I hear? What do I sense? Is it her nonlocally?) : you have proof every single day because of posts like this one that I’ve been sending out for years now sharing about what I experience and when.
04:17 getting up. Argh. This is going to be another long day.
07:06 at bus stop
bus arrives a minute later
07:14 c: so, what did we MULL over on the bike ride to the bus stop
v- haha… PAINTSPILL
C- I emphasized that a lot yesterday - by chance and on purpose
v- you didn’t intend to spill…
c- no, I did not. But the spill made some lovely searches of varying TRANSPARENCY
V- haha stop
07:15 c- colorfastness and all…
First came the poem… a year before I let anyone know there were stories they accompanied each
POST 04 May 2015 on IDEAPOD
from long-ago lava flows
into an oily paintspill
the fiery oranges
from molten sludge
after Volcano sleeps
in a lollipop forest.
07:25 C- you are so going down … if I could throw you into that volcano, I would
v- so violent!
C- it’s a possibility
v- that there’s a connection
On the anniversary of when I joined Ideapod I publicly announced that The Love at First short stories existed
07:27 v- as fiction
c- yes, as fiction. They always were fiction
v- with memories woven in
c- not this one: this one was just a photographic immersion - I keep an archive of photographs that make an impression on me - mainly natural landscapes … you should take note: without people ruining the shot
v- oh, Ansela
c- (mumbles) it’s more immersive … more universal
IDEA 01 July 2015 on Ideapod
Have you visited places which left a surreal impression on you? What was so impressive about them? Why did they seem out of the ordinary?
...I stood in a bumpout of this wet mud path, looking at putting green grass in the midst of a lollypop forest. You’re on the other side of the walkway looking in the opposite direction at a similar eye candy view.
The oil paintspill colors of the trees are as vivid as the close-up tropical chirps. I stare at one tree and hop to another, visually scratching off the bark to reveal streaks of color dripping down to the black earth, leftover from long ago lava flows. The fiery oranges, intense like the molten sludge, the flourescent lime greens, a hint at the shoots of new life that formed after the volcano slept...
Excerpt from "Paintspill"
Story #64: Love at First Short Story Series
Written: 04 May 2015
c- so, enjoy your trip to Kaua’i, JS
V- will you let me?
c- if you are good. If my sleep is disrupted, I am sure to be
v- grumpilicious … got it
c- if I sense anything …
v- I UNDERSTAND … have I been good to you?
c- depends on how you look at it … overall, yes
c- it doesn’t change a few FACTS
c- and I fully realize your trip to Hawaii May just be a personal trip with your girlfriend RACHEL ROSSITTO. She has been there several times.
V- the data doesn’t lie
07:33 v- there’s something you’re not saying … can I say it?
c- you can comment… and I choose to pretend I didn’t hear it
v- oh (chuckling) I know
c- see how I can type something … (which recognizes that I heard you, and it may seem like I heard you … but then I choose to pretend I didn’t hear…? So like someone I know)
v- so innocuous, I know
07:34 (had to look up the word as a reminder)
07:35 c: I have to switch buses soon … I have this sense for words and their meanings - I understand the gist … it’s like that quote I included in A Wandering Mind years ago
[ lifting bike off bike rack on front of bus
c- wax off…
[ waiting at next bus stop to catch bus to workplace ]
“Words are employed to convey ideas,
but when the ideas are grasped
we forget the words.” — Chuang Tzu
[ lifting bike onto backrack on front of bus ]
c- wax on…
we are what we repeatedly do…
07:52 on bus
07:53 c- PAD UP
V- (chuckling) you’re serious
10:00 (break) like our mental gymnastics?
c- SHAKE RATTLE & ROLL
V- I really don’t like you right now
c- that is a REALLY long flight over water
v- haha stop.. i’ve made longer
c- I know you have
v- will you be nice!
c- well, face your fear
v- meaning you … all in good time
c- is she clearing your negative energy? (Chuckling)
v- you just don’t stop
[ working and mindchatting ]
c- ‘cuz if she can clear me outta you, THEN I’ll be impressed (and I’ll be rid of you)
c- the moment you start to seem that you GET the other part of the working world is when I start to recognize the worth of flowers on a sheet for who knows how much of an exorbitant fee
people are willing to pay it. Fine.
you know what does more good I the
v- fixing the healthcare system
c- I work with people who don’t get the company healthcare policy because THEY CAN’T AFFORD IT … not just that but who in their right minds thinks that someone with take home pay of $10 an hour can spend $5000 out of pocket before insurance picks up 100% … seems backwards to charge people who make less - no matter their health - than people who get paid $100K + ($300 deductible)
v- yeah, I know
it is messed up… and you wonder why so many hold multiple jobs
it ain’t to buy LUXURY GOODS AND SERVICES
14:03 c- that is why I am angry with you and the image you project
14:04 ca I am going to viscous until I knowc some sense into you and yours
v- shock and awe
c- i’m The shock
v- i’m The awe… I know
v- art has its place
c- of COURSE art has its place
c- has it done me ANY good in 5 years ?
v- i’m sorry you’re so upset
c- I will continue to be upset and rightly so … there are so many people who will be upset if you din’t ..
v- turn things around. I know … I have you bantering with me every day .. it’s not all bad
c- (quickly) no, it’s not
v- let’s focus on the good
c- remember : i’ The negativity (double entendre) … you’re the positivity
v- do we really have to…
c- yoh’re Being an ass. If no one else can see it, fine. But I have my role to let you know that I am NOT ok with how you are treating this
v- I know… it’ll come
c- and like I said: I do not believe you
remember 100% meet in Miami?
c- uh, no… let’s not trust that JS will do the right thing
14:08 c- decent human beings don’t do this shit
[ mindchatting ]
c- … no, I stock my pantry and freezer like it’s Armageddon … case in point
v- you have months of a food supply
v- now, if only you could do that with cash
c- haha … I did recently find my cash box from last summer … it had like $200 … it was so needed at the time
v- when isn’t it with yiy
c- it’ll get better… it’s just right now it is not at all pretty
v- divorce sucks
c- yes, it does … ANYWAY
V- you’re not raking him over the coals
c- far from … did you not get the part that I can’t pay my bills right now? [ if I hadn’t been as NICE all along my bills would be paid and I wouldn’t play this damn juggling act ]
v- but you’re getting by
c- it’s a mystery
c- for how long (while you’ve been in here)?
v- five long years
bus heading downtown
17:14 v- I want to talk
17:15 v -wax on…
c- I forgot about that this time
v- (chuckling) I know… will you please focus on the good?
c- remind me: who are you?
v- JS … of the SOA variety
c- hm-hm… and how do I know this
v- oh, you know … just … realize this puts me in a difficult position … you are married
c- am I? And how will this make a difference if we come out
v- as a couple
C- don’t get ahead of yourself. Remember you are with your FB declared girlfriend, IG twin flame and soul mate
v- oh, lord
c- let’s see, and perhaps the naked chick on TW is your dream girl
v- oh, lord, will you stop
c- you and your playmates … ever since the beginning
v- I followed
c- yes, you did … and yes, I snooped all who you followed. Over the years you’ve cleaned house
v- what do you think that is?
c- i have no idea , but it’s interesting it didn’t get flagged for sensitive content
17:19 v- not like you
c- i’ve Gotten around that
v- because it’s abstract … and what is that?
c- my imagination
v- hm-hm… and if it proved not to be?
17:20 c- …
v- alright! i have’t admitted to anything
c- and why would you? You have a GIRLFRIEND
v- who everyone loves … almost everyone
c- hey, I fully admit that I want you to be happy
v- but not at your expense
v- yuy’re totally going to overanalze GOT
C- it’s what I do…
c- ah, yes, what I was thinking on my bike ride this AM:
i was thinking about HBO & Westworld
v- your next side by side … please be careful
c- (sarcastic chuckle) why? I’m a nobody who’s batshit, right? What could I do?
V- not .. that ____
c- whatever it is, people should understand the implications for us nobodies
c- not necessarily … just people who have a solid work ethic , day in and day out they do the work … and it never gets anywhere … but of course…
v- others monetize … I know
c- if there is no correlation/connection to WanderingMind(etc)
v- you liked the spin-offs
c- honestly? I’m going to have to rewatch episode 6 … I was working
v- paint.. I know
c- figuring cost analysis and price points - doing my business before I get slammed with fatigue again
v- I understand … how are you going to make it to the market without a car
c- (chuckling) with out an SUV? … we will gently approach boss lady and ask her about company car
v - haha… I know
c- if that doesn’t work
v- a rental
c- I don’t want to do their ($$$) … but the show must go on, so to speak …
i look at it as this: the more I’m there
v- the more business you build
c- I got some leads last year that o never followed up on
v- because you were so busy
17:28 c- inwasn’t There yet (more workshops)
… haha I STILL don’t have a label
v- oh, I know
c- all farmer’s market like: generic labels
v- I saw
c- hey: it’s better than last year … i just hand out business card with purchase
v- got it…
c- much more prepared than last year
v- a lot more prepared … So business … is .. moving forward?
c- yes… it should bring in some much-needed extra cash
v- agreed … thank you
c- I hope to cuadruple sales (which isn’t saying much)… but it’s a goal
17:31 c- and without the start-up costs this year
v- less expenses… yup.
17:33 c- look. It may seem like I loathe you.
V- which isn’t the case .. I know
c- just consider this a glimpse of what it’s like when we din’t Communicate well
like we’re in this years’ long stasis and we can’t get beyond or past any point
v- because it never began
c- no, seriously: how does on handle the most intimate relationship with someone who treats me like I’ve been treated “out there”?
v- I understand
c- ANYONE would have a hard time trying to reconcile their inner life with that sort of discrepancy
v- agreed … now, one question … do you love …
c- I refuse to answer that. It makes absolutely no sense whatsovwr to even entertain that idea or discuss it
c- whorec May be connected to me on the InnerNet
v- is nowhere to be found … understood
c- the people who SHOW UP in your life are those who are there for you … it matters … I showed up
v- and I was nowhere to be found
c- (shrugs shoulders)… what is it? A relationship that never was (and I mean there is no relationship of any kind - acquaintance, friend, collaborator …) … and it’s awful … to realize that you thought it was a certain way it was nothing at all.
17:39 c- nothing . After five years I have nothing . Half a DECADE of my life.
17:55 off first bus
c- wax off …
v- there she is …
[ misses early bus by a minute ]
Scribe: oh, Sam… (chuckling)
18:11 C: oops. And, yes, I recycle/reuse every bottle.
v- thank you.
c- some day I may just take some really strong drug to knock me out for 12 hours.
THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
I want to sleep without interruption!!!