DAY 1818

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23:57 awake

Again, I have to be awakened.

i want this to stop.

I want to live a happy life without having to wonder what wakes me up like this and what I am sensing.

I can never be happy or love anyone - spend time with someone special who * I * want to be happy with

when someone is always interfering in my life like this (quantum entanglement)

I have no idea what I am sensing.

I do not want to sense something and it be some other couple f—-ing (or messing around)

again, that would be rape (that would be sexual assault).

I sense something.

If I sense something I feel violated.

It doesn’t matter what it is.

—-

00:33 c- I want to be able to happily live and love again … this is an ongoing nightmare for me

——-

02:32 awake

———

04:23 c- I think I have seen enough. If we look closely, we can understand where Jason’s priorities lie - the almighty dollar.

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04:26 c- anyone who promotes this sort of thing?

This is his idea of ELEVATING (raising) THE STAGE?

04:27 c- if I am connected to JS, I am ashamed to be connected to him.

04:29 c- he gathers around himself people with money (or who can earn him money), people who come from a certain niche.

c- explain yourself, JS… because you have an image problem

c- is that what attracted you to RR? We all saw the place where her family spent the holidays. It spoke volumes about what sort of opportunities she, like you, has been given in life to do the things she wanted …

not forced to do because of life circumstances you both have NEVER had to worry about.

04:33 c- there is a story to everyone’s “success”

I want to hear about your and Rachel’s struggles … that you are self-made people … with NO (financial) help from family & friends … if you can’t say that then people should really start looking at you and what you say more carefully …

we need to hear in this world the stories of those

04:36 v- who started from nothing

c- it is an insult to see you posting certain things - I am a person who can relate to those people who were never GIVEN anything to forward my career … if people don’t start talking about ALL the variables of their success, we are putting others at a disadvantage

you can talk all day long about LIVE THE DREAM

but it takes different things to be able to do that for different people

04:39 c- I don’t say a lot now. I am holding back … but I can profile people by what they share and how they behave and who they regularly interact with … where they live, where they stay … I NOTICE things others may not pick up on

04:40 c- be good to a wider audience.

Remember your background. Consider all the opportunities you had that many who follow you never had.

Keep that in mind please before you serve up artificial koolaid.

v- agreed

04:41

——-

06:55 Scribe: “the Seethe runs strong, middle-aged eMaestra”

C- I looked at the radar and no green blobs. “Rain starting at 8am”

c- rain the entire bikeride … steady sprinkle. Not a downpour, so we’ll be thankful for that much

v- no car

c- no car

06:59

c- I speak gently to my bike

v- Venture. We’ll call him Venture.

c- him?

v- yes, him.

c- I gently told him as soon as I can afford to, he’d get fixed and a tune-up

v- oh…

c- he’s supposed to have more speeds than 3.

v- oh

c- not to mention all the grime and muck…

v- Fletch?

c- yes

07:04 “there’s a tremendous amount of gook built up…”

07:05 C(haos): I didn’t let people know about my love of movies for a long time (via SM)

C: what were the ones I referenced on Ideapod?

v- Office Space

c- Mr. MomMy Cousin Vinny

07:08 c- all related to education in a way, the reason I joined Idepaod

v- to make a change for the better

07:09 c- back then it was advertised as a place where change-makers mingled

v- yeah, I know … still is in a way

c- if not for this I may still be there

v- I know you would be

c- as with this, it became a haunted nightmarish place

v- where you never got an answer

c- it’s where this all started. I had hoped whoever I was connected to and I would meet because of / on the platform

v- in physical space

c- or in direct digital contact like a digital working group … never happened. I left to hopefully get rid of this connection. Still isn’t gone.

V- you have good memories there

c- yes, good along with the bad … i’m not going to talk about the other reasons I left.. just that this connection started after I joined and whoever I met there that latched onto my frequency - how we became linked on the InnerNet… ? Never came forward: we never got to that all-important conversation about consciousness.

I started with a focus on my work and vision for education and its changing landscape due to - as with so many parts of our lives - the move from physical spaces to virtual ones.

07:14 c- Ideapod was a place that I wish had existed so long ago for me. It was a space where others like me could share their ideas - in the past it was mostly my journal … which I dragged out after so many years and began to unearth old poetry and short stories. Ideapod was the space were my creative endeavors were revived … not that I let my creativity die over the years - I used a lot of creativity in education during course (re)design and in the classroom, virtual or brick-and-mortar.

07:18

07:22 Scribe sees an ad for college : “online and in-person”

you can’t really say “in-person” and it just mean brick-and-mortar physical space… in-person can mean virtual

v- yes, it can

c- we have live webconferencing - are the learners / educators / facilitators not there?

[ mindchatting / monologuing - yes, it’s easier to say “in-person” & people understand what the intended distinction is … so many variations : distance learning, blended/hybrid (which to some are two distinct teaching&learning approaches v- and everything in between … c: and like relationships, each setting changes how we interact, who we are to each other, perhaps… ]

——

07:36 on last bus headed to work

07:40 c- I said I’d focus on the HERE AND NOW (I was a bit Seethey on my bikeride), but I’ve slipped into the past …

what I was saying during my bikeride if you heard me in my head was this:

it doesn’t matter all the beautiful resemblances I noticed in the past or even now …

what matters, in the words of J+ R

BE HERE NOW

so here & now you have what that means:

J is with R

J communicates directly digitally and in physical space with R

he declares his love for her

she declares her love for him

to everyone they present themselves as two people in love (whatever variation of that is up to every observer’s assumption NOT what they actually say, because they’ve said very little specifically … I tried to get specifics… and was considered toxic because of it… so assume away all you admirers and adoring fans. Be those less discerning - in the end? It’ll be interesting who caught onto who they really are to each other and what is REALLY going on)

he “haha’s” the love godfather of BM - there are too many interactions to dismiss there isn’t a romantic element involved

there is kissing

there is intimate embracing

07:45

there is sharing family time together as a couple

(which friends can do, too, but I’ll just assume like everyone else they are a romantic couple of any sort of variation - companion/nonsexual all the way to “conscious sexuality with physical as well as virtual nonlocal aspects”)

07:47

They have both “in a relationship with” -ed each other on FB ( which … what does that mean?)

they have exchanged endearments …

so what am I getting at:

my here and now is this:

i am still intimately connected to someone, who I have researched and come to the educated, scientifically research-backed strong conclusion that it is Jason Silva:

i am not 100% sure. If that were the case, I wouldn’t need an answer.

07:50

c- JS and whoever he has told has this: I have shared my journey in detail . He has not.

he has a certainty

i do not

he sees these words typed out

v- yes I do

c- he SEES or whoever SEES “V” And what I hear and what I sense typed out and described

I do not

I have gifted him, who he’s told about the connection, THE WORLD, this story …

he has not

I am left in the dark and in turmoil not knowing why I am experiencing these things

he can be at some peace in knowing

i cannot

07:52

I want to be able to give those I have told the comfort in knowing I told the truth

that my mental health was ok all along

I was just connected to an asshole

v- haha. Funny,

c- you are. No one who is a decent human being leaves someone in Uncertainty for so long

v- why do you capitalize “Uncertainty”?

c- it’s quantum-related … the Uncertainty Principle

07:54

v-____

c- I am not going to give a lesson on quantum - people can do their own homework

c- but let’s just face this fact: Uncertainty is a nightmarish situation

v- where you have to consider all possibilities

c- call it also being in quantum well hell

v- I know … I love that video, c

07:56

[ trying to look for the URL to insert here ]

c- a thought : much like what JS just posted about splintering realities … but not

SPLINTER was explained years ago am I to assume this is just another creative adjacency?

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08:10 at workplace

08:13 c- when I saw this post I didn’t watch/listen to the video. I immediately unsubscribed from Steven Kotler’s emailing list.

V- added insult to injury

c- I like Steven Kotler. He seemed like a level headed person when I watched you two hold a talk years ago.

one: I am triggered.

Last Tango in CyberSpace?

His new book?

A Wandering Mind fictionized in 2014 a real-life experience for me

as if in a tango … the presence I sensed just waking up from sleep danced with me as if in a tango … it was the first time (?) I heard a voice … the first incident when it wasn’t just a sensation / presence sensed but I heard a voice that I considered being transmitted to me nonlocally …

08:18

C- so you get this splinter of reality my HERE AND NOW.

when a national best seller listed author (SK) holds a talk with Jason Silva about “tango in cyberspace” and JS titles the interview with SK “the splintering of realities” on his IG post? - the next chapter of A Wandering Mind that was drafted Jan 2016 but never published online?

c- I take note of the creative adjacency (times two : tango + splinter )

[ working with owner - more later

SK Mind wandering post

appreciated funny aboiutbleaving series in on purpose so the editor wouldn’t touch parts SK didn’t want changed - brilliant

ROAST .ED(U) for SK’s last tango in cyberspace book description

like A Wandering Mind : it’s all over the map. It’s chaos . It begs the question : WTF is this book about?

08:45

08:48 c- the moment when a Nobody pulls her weight with a National Best Seller listed author

08:49 c- death stare, SK. Death stare. My own children fear it, because they rarely see it.

V- and it is to be feared

c- it’s odd, when Mom gets mad?

v- they do chores without complaining

c- I get what I want

v- I know you do..

c- no matter how long it takes & what sacrifices I have to make to get to rest scales balanced

08:51 c- just … to make it fair … not

v- to be vindictive… I know

c- everyone needs to defend themselves or other when hit bits get so out of whack

08:52

———

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09:19 [ sees publisher name ] Damnit! And I like St. Martin’s

v- I know you do

——

[ earlier this AM during early morning commute via bike & bus ]

BURN BABY BURN [ dark GOT + WMS humor ]

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10:22 posted [ BOSQUE26 (?) ]

v- it’s unfinished

c- yes… I only wrote half

v- unpublished

c- sort of

v- sorry …

c- hm

10:23

10:24 c- there is only ONE WAY that short story would be known in any way (it’s handwritten with timestamps)

v- I love Love at First, c

c- IDK what that story is yet… i think it’s the next Anachronisms … but Anachronisms is also based on spacetime travel companionship…

10:25

———-

very SAHB (subtle accelerated heartbeat)

[ I have been at my desk working all morning - no change of activity - SOURCE/ non-local ]

11:57

11:58 subtle high pitched very brief left ear ting

12:07 getting drowsier  [ adding this to my case file about loss of energy at my place of work due to nonlocal source ]

13:00 calmer ... (magically!) more energy now

And as I type this … subtle SAHB again

13:01

———

17:27 on first bus on my way home

EARLIER

SAHB

14:24

15:17 drowsy

[ in work meeting, typing up handwritten notes ]

Inner Softness

Really sleepy

15:27

SAHB

15:30

Cinnamony sense

15:43 lifting (“magically” becoming more energetic all of a sudden - suspected nonlocal cause)

———-

17:32 v- you’re not going to stop

c- no. Here’s the difference between you and me

v- you complain

c- I FILE A COMPLAINT.

17:33 v- fine: i’m sorry you’re tired at work.

17:34 c- here’s my shard of reality

v- very cutting one

c- some day in the future there will be reference points. Some day people may understand what a normal woman

v- with extraordinary abilities

c- I was going to say enhanced senses or something … ANYWAY…

v- Buffoon. Fine. Happy?

c- it’s one thing to live with a positive outlook, to choose to spread positivity … however

v- masking’s not good

c- not when it’s covering up

v- a woman in pain

c- you are choosing to put up a good face - I do the same EVERY DAY … and have done so for a VERY long time … our situations are different : I gave you long ago what I have asked for from you - just a simple answer

whatever this is? JS has that answer … whoever I am to him?

He has that answer

17:38

c- I do not… my POV right now?

A public figure who has issues

v- agreed

17:39

c- whatever it is? I experience JS’s routine in ways no one else does

v- agreed

c- AND I SUFFER BECAUSE OF IT

c- he knows who I am… but beyond that?

I am a Nobody to him .. other than to blame him for things - that from my perspective are very real … he can choose not to respond to my accusations … up to a certain point

c- I spent years of my life working my ass off

v- sacrificing

c- for THIS… just for an answer … taking time out of my life .. for THIS … and what - by all normal ways - do I understand from JS?

  • he may be stealing my concepts and using them for his own advancement

  • he lives his life as if I am not a part of it (which I have to live with and understand if I am forced to look at it via a normal ordinary person with no special senses… and even then, maybe it’s one way)

whatever beauty .. whatever good … whatever wonderful things I tried to make of this?

v- were lies

17:44

I am either living a lie (my head and body misfiring and it’s all just me) … what did I write earlier today…

or HE is lying by pretending to the world THIS isn’t happening between us

v- that

c- it doesn’t matter which lie. It’s still a lie I have to live with

17:45 about to hop off bus

17:56 on final bus headed to final bus stop, then a 30min bike ride home

17:58 c- my suspicion? He may smile for the cameras, but he has A LOT going on on the inside

v- a pissed off woman

c- a righteously angry one who just wants to be able to move on with her separate life but has this bond that pushes and pulls her according to JS’s lifeforce… whatever it is? If I’m just a conduit or if he really does hear what I say inside my head projecting out to him… maybe he senses me too

it doesn’t matter.

after so long? What would anyone believe?

the only sure thing?

v- to make my life hell

c- his after years of somewhat getting along

v- better than that

c- it doesn’t matter what type of relationship I had before

JS has chosen to live his life with RR.

directly in normal ways.

18:02

c- I sense things I shouldn’t

v- that contradict

c- contradict what everyone would assume based on their posts and also their interactions with people who comment on their posts

18:03 c- it doesn’t matter these contradictions … I have called them discrepancies in the past

c- all that matters is I have to resist sensations that before I gave in to … and was happier for it

18:04 c- that isn’t my life anymore

C- whatever this is? I resist it. Because it contradicts with exterior reality so much … it is wrong.

C- I sense sexual advances & have pushed them away repeatedly. I don’t know what it is

v- but it’s unwanted

c- if it’s JS? Over and over I tell him: he is with R. Be with R. Spend time with R. Quantum entangle with R. He made that choice, now let me move on with my life and be able to make choices that will make me happy.

18:06 c- if it’s JS? He should understand that by now.

c- I keep repeating this: I do not want to live a half life - to have a completely different inner experience than one I can have in physical reality (or direct digital reality)

c- I want to be true to myself. I want to revert to original. To how I was before

i had a good life.

i still have a good life EXCEPT for this

18:10

18:11 c- so I move on & I do what I can to pick up the pieces

v- the shards of glass

c- and this splinter?

He has stolen MY concepts and shared them as if they were his own

18:12 c- THAT aid unacceptable to me at this point with my POV, that POV that follows a normal way of looking at things

there is nothing special between us

his silence and absence say that much.

he just steals.

18:14 about to bike home.

C- I swear a random shiffle of thousands of songs … THIS is the one I get to listen to first … SHOCKER

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18:24 c- had to backtrack a few feet. I have to capture this one :

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——

19:22

c- (nasal snicker) I forgot about this one

“He dodges dragonfly-size surveillance drones“

[ eyeroll ]

———

rdg commevts to JS FB video share “before you judge someone, watch this”

[ reads a funny comment ]

19:29 c- hahaha … true that, but not in the way you mean it.

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c- I am including because this is what I’ve done for years

v- on a closed channel

[ the InnerNet ]

c- it’s funny there’s someone critical of this video who feels you’ll monetize on it

v- haha… I know

c- BUTTERFLY EFFECT, how did I know you’d happen ?.. it’s so ODD.

v- you are awful

c- no, I had nothing to do with these comments. Oh, the Randomness

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19:36

c- so which I am?

v- a little bit of everything

c- let’s just say that empathic & open-minded got me nowhere - I am choosing to close the waveform and be JUDGMENTAL and more closed-minded on purpose.

I think you can agree I’m a 360-degree thinker … and I am just now remembering that was in my Splinter draft video wasn’t it?

not sure, but I think it was… ANYWAY…

there is only so much of considering all possibilities all the time that anyone person can handle

v- without closure . Understood.

19:39

19:43 c- and he comes up with everything he says ALL ON HIS OWN (sarcastic)!!

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now, he’s the genuine article! Authenticity at its finest!

and lookey here: once again he LIKES another compliment… it’s called paddin’ the ego … SM style

narcissist, anyone?

18:47 over the years I’ve noticed a pattern. A distinct one : JS really loves to like

v- effusive

c- compliments people give him

19:49 c- how he (repeatedly) interacts online (and the types of content / comments he interacts with) says something about who he really is and what he stands for …

that’s not being judgmental, that’s looking at

v/ hard data, I know

19:52

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19:53 c: he is an independent thinker, that’s for sure! (Sarcasm)

—-

20:00 c- here is me being present.

BE HERE NOW ! This splinter of reality.

I am resisting the past. I don’t Think of the future - I follow JS’s advice: the glorious living in THIS MOMENT [ ENJOY THIS MOMENT FOR THIS MOMENT IS YOUR LIFE ]

v- (chuckle) you are awful

c- isn’t it GRAND?

V- no, it’s not

c- EPIC!

v- haha, no.

20:01

———

23:34 awake (interrupted sleep… I shouldn’t be waking up right now… I can never sleep longer than 1-2 hours… maybe 3 at a stretch. Why? Before mid-2014 I would be able to sleep solid… and that was the case for 41 years of my life up until that point. I want my regular sleep back … it’s been 5 years now)